101 Funny Basketball Quotes To Share And Score Big (2024)

Basketball coach and author of four books on basketball books, Mike O’Halloran, shares with you his favorite funny basketball quotes.

These hilarious takes on hoops are a quick, fun read for players, coaches, and fans. From Charles Barkley to LeBron James, we’ve got you covered. And check out our basketball smack-talk suggestions at the bottom of the page — worthy of a chuckle or two. Enjoy!

Best Funny Basketball Quotes

1.) I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Dave Barry

2.) When I dunk, I put something on it. I want the ball to hit the floor before I do.
Darryl Dawkins

3.) Winning is like deodorant – it comes up, and a lot of things don’t stink.
Doc Rivers

4.) There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet and put the darn ball in the basket.
Abe Lemmons

5.) LeBron James still gets criticism. Jesus still gets criticized.
D’Angelo Russell

6.) He makes plays you can’t coach, and he makes plays that look like he’s never been coached.
Bill Self comment on point guard Tyshawn Taylor

See How Many NBA Championship Rings Does Kobe Bryant Have?

Humorous Charles Barkley Quotes

7.) All I know is, as long as I led the Southeastern Conference in scoring, my grades would be fine.
Charles Barkley

8.) You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world, and I might be right.
Charles Barkley

9.) I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I’ve got a technique. It’s called just go get the damn ball.
Charles Barkley

Check out Girls Basketball Quotes.

More From Sir Charles

10.) Kids are great. That’s one of the best things about our business, all the kids you get to meet. It’s a shame they have to grow up to be regular people and come to the games and call you names.
Charles Barkley

11.) Yeah, Ernie, it’s called defense, I mean, I wouldn’t know anything about it personally, but I’ve heard about it through the grapevine.
Charles Barkley

12.) You got to believe in yourself. Hell, I believe I’m the best-looking guy in the world, and I might be right.
Charles Barkley

Funny Al McGuire Basketball Quotes

13.) Don’t call me son unless you’re going to include me in your will. (When Adolph Rupp called him “Son.”)
Al McGuire

14.) Winning is overrated. The only time it is really important is in surgery and war.
Al McGuire

15.) A team should be an extension of a coach’s personality. My teams are arrogant and obnoxious.
Al McGuire

16.) The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire

17.) Our guys took Shop and Advanced Shop. Shop is when you make a chair. Advanced Shop is when you paint it.
Al McGuire

18.) I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cab driver. Then they would really be educated.
Al McGuire

19.) If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili is good.
Al McGuire

See other great Al McGuire quotes.

Funny Basketball Quotations

20.) When I went to a Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.
George Raveling

21.) Fans never fall asleep at our games because they’re afraid they might get hit by a pass.
George Raveling

22.) I know the Virginia players are smart because you need 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop breadcrumbs to get our players to and from class.
George Raveling

23.) I hate it. It looks like a stickup at 7-Eleven. Five guys standing there with their hands in the air.
Norm Sloan commenting on zone defense.

You might like the Motivational Basketball Quotations page.

Funny Basketball Sayings

24.) We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Norm Stewart

25.) The secret is to have eight great players and four others who will cheer like crazy.
Jerry Tarkanian

26.) They shot the ball well early. What comes out of the microwave hot doesn’t always stay hot. I know because I eat bagels in the morning.
Shaquille O’Neal

27.) This year, we plan to run and shoot. Next season we hope to run and score.
Billy Tubbs

28.) I liked the choreography, but I didn’t care for the costumes.
Tommy Tune, on why he doesn’t play basketball

29.) Any American boy can be a basketball star if he grows up, up, up.
Bill Vaughn

30.) We are in the trophy generation. Give them a trophy for 23rd place. That makes the parents happy.
Tom Izzo

Short Funny Basketball Quotes

31.) Basketball is like photography. If you don’t focus, you’ll only get negative.
Dan Frisby

32.) Our offense is like the Pythagorean Theorem. There is no answer.
Shaquille O’Neal

33.) I’m not against taking shots, but I am against taking bad shots.
Hank Iba

34.) A tough day at the office is even tougher when your office contains spectator seating.
Nik Posa

35.) You can say something to popes, presidents, and kings, but you can’t talk to officials. In the next war, they ought to give everyone a whistle.
Abe Lemmons

36.) Scoring 100 points is a lot, but I maybe could have scored 140 if they had played straight-up basketball.
Wilt Chamberlain

Check out 23 Inspirational Basketball Quotes

Basketball Quotes Funny

37.) We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free-throw line.
Norm Stewart

38.) I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I’m the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I’m the good-quality dog meat. I’m the Alpo of the NBA.
Shaquille O’Neal

39.) There are really only two plays: Romeo and Juliet and put the darn ball in the basket.
Abe Lemmons

40.) If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.
Phil Jackson

41.) The other side of this is that a good man has been liberated.
Rick Carlisle, on the firing of coach David Blatt

42.) I really appreciate this award, but I don’t want to win it ever again.
Marcus Denmon, after receiving the Sixth Man Award for the Missouri Tigers.

Hilarious Basketball Quotations

43.) In my prime, I could’ve handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would have only been 12 years old.
Jerry Sloan

44.) This is basketball, not figure skating. You don’t get extra points for the degree of difficulty.
Bobby Hurley

45.) I want us to play mother-in-law defense: constant nagging and harassment.
Rick Pitino

46.) I haven’t been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
Dave Barry

Humorous Hoops Sayings

47.) If you make every game a life-and-death proposition, you’re going to have problems. For one thing, you’ll be dead a lot.
Dean Smith

48.) They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they’d make up their minds.
Wilt Chamberlain

49.) If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make it in the NBA.
Gary Dornhoefer

50.) Me shooting 40 percent from the free-throw line is God’s way of saying that nobody is perfect.
Shaquille O’Neal

51.) We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.
Weldon Drew

52.) Any time Detroit scores more than a hundred points and holds the other team below a hundred points, they almost always win.
Doug Collins

53.) These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.
Charles Barkley

54.) Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter; I’m amphibious.
Charles Shackleford

55.) When I dunk, I put something on it. I want the ball to hit the floor before I do.
Darryl Dawkins

56.) Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.
Bill Walton

57.) The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not
Charles Barkley

Inspirational Basketball Quotes

58.) Push yourself again and again. Don’t give an inch until the final buzzer sounds.
Larry Bird

59.) The invention of basketball was not an accident. It was developed to meet a need. Those boys simply would not play ‘drop the handkerchief’.
James Naismith

60.) Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.
John Wooden

61.) There is no such thing as a perfect basketball player, and I don’t believe there is only one greatest player, either. Everything negative — pressure and challenges — are all an opportunity for me to rise.
Kobe Bryant

Motivational Takes

62.) Me shooting 40% at the foul line is just God’s way to say nobody’s perfect.
Shaquille O’Neal

63.) There are only two options regarding commitment… you’re either in or you’re out. There’s no such thing as life in between.
Pat Riley

64.) Remember that basketball is a game of habits. If you make the other guy deviate from his habits, you’ve got him.
Bill Russell

65.) As a professional athlete, a lot is going to be said about you – but I just try to move forward and try to achieve my goals.
LeBron James

66.) Believe that the loose ball that you are chasing has your name written on it.
Mike Krzyzewski

67.) A lot of late nights in the gym, a lot of early mornings, especially when your friends are going out, you’re going to the gym, those are the sacrifices that you have to make if you want to be an NBA basketball player.
Jason Kidd

68.) I would tell players to relax and never think about what’s at stake. Just think about the basketball game. If you start to think about who is going to win the championship, you’ve lost your focus.
Michael Jordan

Good Basketball Quotes

69.) Defense is just hard work. There will be nights when your shots won’t fall, but you can play good defense every night.
Red Auerbach

70.) He who controlleth the backboard, controlleth the game.
Adolph Rupp

71.) Offense sells tickets. Defense wins games. Rebounds win championships.
Pat Head

72.) Winning is more related to good defense than good offense.
Dr. Jack Ramsay

Quotes by Bob Knight

73.) In order to achieve positive results, one must work for them, not hope for them.

74.) Basketball is a full-court game, so every drill must be done full-court

75.) Passing is your best weapon against man-to-man. Dribble penetration is your best weapon against zone.

76.) The single most important aspect of coaching is running effective practices.

Teamwork

77.) Create unselfishness as the most important team attribute.
Bill Russell

78.) Great players are willing to give up their own personal achievements for the achievement of the group. It enhances everybody.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

79.) Talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships.
Michael Jordan

80.) Champions play as they practice. Create a consistency of excellence in all your habits.
Mike Krzyzewski

81.) The strength of the team is each individual member. The strength of each member is the team.
Phil Jackson

82.) You don’t play against opponents; you play against the game of basketball.
Bob Knight

83.) Sometimes, a player’s greatest challenge is coming to grips with his role on the team.
Scottie Pippen

84.) The best teams have chemistry. They communicate with each other, and they sacrifice personal glory for the common goal.
Dave DeBusschere

Teammates

85.) Ask not what your teammates can do for you. Ask what you can do for them.
Magic Johnson

86.) Winning is about having the whole team on the same page.
Bill Walton

87.) One man can be a crucial ingredient on a team, but one man cannot make a team.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

88.) Basketball is a beautiful game when the five players on the court play with one heartbeat.
Dean Smith

89.) I have had some bad shooting games, but that doesn’t stop me from getting the ball to my teammates.
Jason Kidd

Humorous Takes on Hoops

90.) Please dunk on him so hard that his daddy runs on the court to save him.
Joel Embiid tweet

91.) I just taste for the first time a smothie..MAN GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Giannis “The Greek Freak” Antetokounmpo

92.) I said if I go to the U.S., I will buy a tiger – like Mike Tyson.
Kuka Doncic

93.) I believe the only muscles you need in basketball are the ones in your brain.
Nikola Jokic

94.) We’ll go on vacation, but we don’t really care to go see Rome or anything. We just want to play dominoes. We like the fact that we can say, ‘Oh, we went to Rome.’ ‘Well, what’d you do in Rome?’ ‘Played dominoes.’
Jimmy Butler

95.) We played well all the way until, like, the second quarter.
LeBron James

96.) Middle school/knock off stephen a.
Kevin Durant’s tweet response to a tweet saying he wasn’t in the same league as LeBron.

97.) If I see a spider in my room, I gotta sleep on the couch for, like, two days.
Jayson Tatum

98.) If you’re not my coach, I don’t know you. Don’t say anything to me.
Devin Booker

99.) They didn’t believe in the fat boy. It seems like it worked out. Don’t bet against the fat boy.
Nikola Jokic (After winning the NBA Championship)

100.) I’ll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points.
Stacey King – After Michael Jordan had scored a playoff record of 69 points and he had scored one point.

101.) I never thought I’d lead the NBA in rebounding, but I got a lot of help from my teammates – they did a lot of missing.
Moses Malone

Putting these funny basketball quotes to work

So, you have a few favorite funny basketball quotes in your library now. How can you use them? Well, try these options on for size:

A.) Use a funny basketball quotation to start basketball practice.

B.) Include a few favorites in emails to your basketball team.

C.) Try a good one for a sign or poster.

D.) Use them for captions on Instagram or Facebook.

E.) Text your friends.

What to yell at a basketball game

First of all, if you’re a parent, the overwhelming amount of research suggests that kids want a silent presence at games. Attend the game, and appreciate good play from all players, but don’t yell at the refs, the coach, or the players.

But, for other games, or if you’re just talking smack with adult friends during a pick-up game, try these on for size:

a.) I’ve seen more bricks here than at a construction site.
b.) Pack your suitcase because that’s traveling.
c.) There’s always a need for bricklayers.

d.) You must be from Sweden because you got no Finnish.
e.) Hit the showers; your game stinks.
f.) All day, baby!

g.) You reach; I teach.
h.) A million-dollar move with a $2 shot.
i.) Splash! — When you make a shot in front of a defender.

When you’re hot

j.) Heat check — If you’ve made at least two shots in a row.
k.) Call the cops ’cause you were robbed — When you steal the ball.
l.) That’s too much space — Yes, your defender will hate you.

m.) I hope you taped your ankles.
n.) The court is in session.
o.) Your loss is my game.

By Mike O’Halloran

Founder and Editor, Sports Feel Good Stories

Mike O’Halloran founded Sports Feel Good Stories in 2009. He co-authored four trivia books for kids under the Smart Attack line. Mike coached basketball for 15 seasons, taught tennis, and has written four books on basketball coaching. He has been a contributing writer for USA Football, the youth arm of the NFL. Mike is the founder of the Fantasy Football Team Names Hall of Fame.

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